12/13/10 3:37 PM

ALEX: Word

PAUL: Fallopian

ALEX: You out of bed yet? I'm at work.

PAUL: When you say "work..."

ALEX: Watching porn.

PAUL: OMG, that Playboy gig?

ALEX: Actual work, like in a cube.

PAUL: A fallopian cube? So what's the deal?

ALEX: I'm here till March.

PAUL: What do you do?

ALEX: Research.

PAUL: Do you have to do the research sitting on a motorcycle naked? Or on a bale of hay?

ALEX: LOL

PAUL: "Who's the naked Asian guy in research? And why does the office smell like hay?"

ALEX: "Why is he wearing a wig and a bikini top?"

PAUL: How is this new job better than getting paid to watch porn at home?

ALEX: It's the same, but now I'm a professional.

PAUL: On an unrelated note, I started my HCG diet today. I feel weird and nervous. I'm hoping it will kill me.

ALEX: Do you look like a piece of beef jerky?

PAUL: mmm....(driving to gas station...) Doh!  Is our blog dead? You seem to have lost interest. Read: stopped transcribing.

ALEX: I believe you have fingers too.  

PAUL: I didn't want to take away the one thing that makes you feel useful or relevant.

ALEX: I was going to see what i could scrape up later.

PAUL: Eric HeyTold me from the Caribbean. Kookie!

ALEX: Wow, a long distance voicemail.

PAUL: Who'd have thought this day would arrive? It's practically a time machine.

ALEX: It's like I'm standing in a time warp.

PAUL: CUT TO: Playboy executives watching your on-screen "research." Shaking their head. Looking for pink slips.

ALEX: I'm freelance. It's practically like working for free!

PAUL: If you're watching, hello and welcome to the blog, Playboy Execs!  Believe it or not, I am also available for work. Although it will be at a similar level...

Dec 12, 2010 12:24 AM

PAUL: Anything?

ALEX: Do you know about a movie named after you? With Simon Pegg?

PAUL: Yes, I read your Facebook. And love all things Simon Pegg. Do you know about Xtranormal?

ALEX: Oh yeah I have seen this. It is hilarious... and long.

PAUL: Ok have you seen this?  It's from the smash hit blog, ImWithPaulAndAlex.com. This is what the Oscars with Anne Hathaway and James Franco is going to be like.

ALEX: Oh, you're the woman.

PAUL: I had no choice.

ALEX: It is cute.

PAUL: The idea seemed brilliant, until I saw it in action... LOL. Oh well. Love the audience laughter.

ALEX: I enjoy the fake audience laughter. Dman.

PAUL: I hope our blog isn't this terrible.

ALEX: It isn't. Is it?

PAUL: They seem to love that Taco Bell line.

ALEX: Who, the fake audience?

PAUL: Yes it went over well.

ALEX: Was this audience paid?

PAUL: I also love her look to camera for the last line. Who directed this, James Brooks?

ALEX: It was like a Modern Family episode.

PAUL: This is probably what a first table read is like for a sitcom. Karim was trying to have sex with me tonight while I was watching Modern Family. Now I remember what I was like in a relationship...

ALEX: Let me guess which won out.

PAUL: I would literally pause the sex so he could hear a punchline. Oh well, when it comes to me, you get what you pay for. Unless you're my mom, then you just get a series of disappointments.

ALEX: She's just throwing money at the problem.

PAUL: But look how bright it burns!

ALEX: It's a Jewish miracle!

PAUL: Xtranormal would be a great way to break up with someone.

ALEX: Are you trying to tell me something?

Nov 27, 4:47 PM

PAUL: Bill Cosby tonight.

ALEX: What year is it?

PAUL: Line, line, Jell-O Pudding joke.

ALEX: Is he still working crazy sweaters?

PAUL: Now he wears sweatshirts that honor his son who was killed.

ALEX: Eeeek

PAUL: Slightly less funny.

ALEX: Is this at your brother's club?

PAUL: The club closed years ago. Way to stay in touch.  It's at the SC Civic -- Mike's just producing the show.

 

Nov 28, 1:24 AM

PAUL: How's that Path diary coming along? I shared about cleaning my fridge. Probably not what the Path creators were hoping for.

ALEX: If I want to see photos of a fridge I can open mine.  

PAUL: I'm glad Anne Frank didn't think like you. Think of it as a personal diary. Without the discomfort of the holocaust.

ALEX: I don't want my family ordering Pizza Hut at my wake because they saw it in my diary. Speaking of which, cheesy bites pizza was ah-MAZ-ing. I forwarded you an email about the offer.

PAUL: Pizza Hut is dead to me.  I'm ordering Dominos for your wake in protest.

ALEX: I love how you believe you're going to outlive me. Knowing us we'll die at the same moment. Like the end of Blood Brothers.

PAUL: Our last words at the same time will be "I wonder what this button does?"

ALEX: How's Daphne's singing voice? "Tell me it's not true..."

ALEX: This conversation is as gay as Billy Elliot. How was Cosby? 

PAUL: He just sits there and tells stories.

ALEX: "I was walking here tonight and I saw a sign that said, "STOP" and I was like "stop" what? So I spat out my gum. (Hold for laugh. 1, 2, 3, 4...)" 

PAUL: My mom was crying from laughing so hard. He was funny, but I was more like "Hey that's Bill Cosby!" My brother hung out with him for 2 hours backstage before the show - Cosby kept regaling him with stories. So that's cool.

ALEX: Well, he is a legend, so cool you got to see him. And legend is a kind word for a celeb who might be dead soon.

PAUL: I asked him if he ever got in trouble for performing in black face like Ted Danson. He didn't respond. Maybe he didn't hear me.

ALEX: Did he do a spit take with the Jell-O Pudding Pop he was eating?

PAUL: Ok must sleep. Keep the fat. I mean faith.

ALEX: GN

PAUL: ST

PAUL: DLTBBB

ALEX: DMAN. HATE YOU

PAUL: LOL

Nov 27, 2010 12:00 AM

ALEX: When is Laura going to drop her new record? Record bring fetus. The suspense is terrible I hope it lasts...

PAUL: You know you can now read your messages before pushing send.

ALEX: Record BEING fetus. Ugh I think gained weight in my thumbs over the holidays. They are just two fat clumsy sausages pounding away on here.

PAUL: Perfect metaphor for us on the keyboards.

ALEX: Speaking of sausages I totally didn't get those Dunkin Donuts poppers while in Vegas.

PAUL: WHAT???

ALEX: I know the reader will think I'm up playing my discontent, but trust me, I'm not.

PAUL: You are worthless.

ALEX: Looks like we're headed to Vegas for Xmas!

PAUL: I'm going for Hanukkah - it'll be here faster.

ALEX: I don't like a holiday that floats around. Sneaky Jews. When does it start this year? Dec 2nd or Jan 3rd?

PAUL: It just shows their total lack of respect for Christmas. BTW, I made it all the way throught Plants Vs. Zombies. Now I can just sit back and wait for the job offers to pour in.

ALEX: Check the phone - maybe it's off the hook...

PAUL: Taco Bell you say?

ALEX: I didn't.

PAUL: At this hour?

ALEX: Fourth meal? Fifth? Knowing you, probably sixth.

PAUL: So Marky Mark is aging.

PAUL: End of an era.

ALEX: He's like 30 now? Foot in the grave. My money is on Chris Pine these days. And by money I mean my thoughts during masturbation.

PAUL: Mark is actually 39. I had a dream about Chris Pine last night.

ALEX: He's OLDER than me? Wow. Did I say Pine? I meant Evans. But I'll settle for Pine.

PAUL: I wouldn't kick Evans out of bed for eating crackers. Or killing my entire family.

ALEX: Yeah, you're right. He's just average:

PAUL: Image saved for future "research"

Nov 23, 2010  12:52 PM

[Laura is Paul's cousin]

PAUL: Laura is due on Thursday. She said the baby is very low but her cervix is like a Cheerio. Fantastic visual.

ALEX: Cervix? Ugh. This is why I don't watch The Discovery Channel.

PAUL: And no longer eat cereal.

ALEX: And I'm sorry there is nothing beautiful about childbirth.

PAUL: Except the epidural. And the tax deduction.

ALEX: It's Like a delete scene from Aliens. Deleted. I'm texting while driving. Don't tell Oprah.

PAUL: You're right. I should go get a burrito from the roach coach. And EYES ON THE ROAD! Your death would be the saddest ending to our blog. My own book deal? Hello, silver lining.

ALEX: And you can get on Oprah!

PAUL: Full circle.

ALEX: Speaking of round things. Did you say burrito? Mmmmmmmmmmmm

PAUL: Oprah, we were actually texting about you when Alex met a fiery death. Which brings us to my new book, Jokes That Kill.

ALEX: Fiery death much funnier than regular dying.

PAUL: More visual.

ALEX: Wait, Laura is giving birth on THANKSGIVING? Way to steal the spotlight. And what have YOU been working on Paul?

PAUL: I did a load of laundry this morning and took the dog for a walk -- beat THAT fetus!  Also I'm dating a closeted... ummm... I guess I should stop making jokes I'll have to censor later. 

ALEX: Snore.

PAUL: This is what texting in Afghanistan must be like:  I'm dating _______ and last night he _______ all over my _______.  It's like gay Mad Libs.

ALEX: Brett Somers? What did you come up with?

PAUL: I'm dating MARIO BATALI and last night he ALFREDOED all over my FETTUCINI. 

ALEX: Will Rosemary's Baby have a name?

PAUL: Her name is going to be Paul.

ALEX: So feminine.

 

Nov 23, 2010  1:54 PM

PAUL: Why not? Don't answer. OMG it's freezing here.

ALEX: A nice warm burrito will warm you up.

PAUL: That's what my Mexican gym teacher used to say.

ALEX: Ay Caramba!

 

Nov 23, 2010  5:54 PM

PAUL: Ocho is the number of chins you're heading towards.

[long pause]

PAUL: Tough room. Is this on? (tap tap) I said ocho is the number -- oh forget it.

ALEX: That's the burrito calling the enchilada fat.

PAUL: The burrito isn't fat. He's big beaned.  

ALEX: Groan

PAUL: Try the carnitas!

 

 

PH: I'm watching the Magic Bullet infomercial, which I actually Tivo'd so I could watch it in it's entirety. For the millionth time. It's my "When Harry Met Sally."

AK: Is it the one with the grouchy aunt?

PH: Yep - she's still smoking in bed.

AK: Are people really struggling that much to make Alfredo sauce or salsa?

PH: What I wouldn't do for a sleepover at Mick and Mimi's.  My friends never make me an entirely blended feast for breakfast.

AK: I find it annoying that breakfast wasn't ready when they all came down.

PH: Hazel's up - and ornery as ever!

AK: "Looks like she could use a blended drink to shut her up."

PH: Anyone with this $250,000 kitchen would have a staff making breakfast.

AK: And no one with all that money would be showing off a Magic Bullet.

AK: As you can see French is doing much better.

PH: Thanks to the power of Jesus Christ.

AK: I sold his soul to the Devil.

PH: Talk about Black Friday.

AK: I promised his first born. Ha, ha, ha! He has no balls! Take that, Beelzebub!

PH: Tricking the Devil. That could have consequences.

AK: What could go wrong? On a side note I started sneezing today. I'm sure it's probably nothing...

PH: David... Did you leave this charred goat carcass on the living room floor?

AK: Has the cat always spoken in tongues and walked on the ceiling?

AK: Dog update: French screams when I try to pick him up. I don't think this is Benadryl. I think he hurt his hip or something. He's stopped walking.

PH: Really? WTF? He should go to the vet - what if it's dislocated?

AK: I know. It's been a nightmare. I have an ice pack on his hips now to see if that helps.  

PH: I'll take a Vicodin at this end for solidarity. Is he walking or limping?

AK: He was then I picked him up and he screamed and now he doesn't want to put weight on his back legs.

PH: You mean he yelped?   Or he put his paws to his cheeks and screamed like a girl in a horror movie?

AK: Yelped. Thank god I'm not working so I can witness all this. 

PH: Are we done talking about you? Had a great third date last night.  OMG it was only the second date. Had a great second date last night.

AK: Wow - that's good news. 

PH: The coffee is amazing.

AK What does this mystery man look like?   Hot and black?

PH: I like my men like my coffee -- iced with Coffee Mate, no sugar or flavoring, and definitely not Mocha Mix because it forms weird lumps of non-dairy chemical at the bottom of the carton if it stays in the fridge for any length of time.  

AK: That analogy fell apart a bit.   

PH: His name was Alex on our first date, but last night confessed his real name was Karim.   So I am loving coffee with Karim.

AK: Oh thank god. There can only be one Alex. Does he make you wear a veil?

PH: Only in public.

AK: Wait he's using an alias?

PH: Alex is short for Karim. OK Alex is the same for Karim. 

AK: So I can start going by Karim? I'll book my next flight with that.

PH: See you in the airport security office.

AK: I just want a full body scan for my Christmas card.

PH: "Yes it's a gun but it's OK - my real name is Alex. Are we done here?"

AK: LOL

PH: Yeah what's with all the body scan cock shots online now?

AK: Body scans are the new porn.

PH: (filling out TSA online app)

 

 

Nov 18, 2010 11:33 AM

PH: I just found a blade of grass at the bottom of my iced coffee. So that's how MY day is going.

AK: That's what you hippies in San Fran get for buying organic.

PH: Romeo just somehow pooed on a tree. Thought you'd want to know. He can now defy gravity. "Something has changed within him..."

[While this isn't a picture of Romeo pooing on a tree, it is a favorite.  My friend Ben described it as Romeo attempting to do a handstand]

AK: Like pooed above ground level?

PH: Like, instead of pooing on the ground, he pooed AGAINST the tree. This is an excellent example of the kinds of conversations we really shouldn't post, right?

AK: I gave French a benadryl last night and I almost killed him. We've been on death watch all night. He seems a little better now, thank God. I was really dreading a downer Facebook status update.

PH: Giving human drugs to a 15 pound dog... What could go wrong?

AK: He was so itchy, now he's comatose. I looked it up online - vets said it was ok.

PH: Romies takes hydroxyzine.

AK: Is that for bipolarism?

PH: Erectile dysfunction.

AK: "Side effects may include drowsiness, upset stomach and pooing on trees."

PH: I think I'm all set for ever writing the word poo again.  I just don't feel it's a word that I should be using.  I'm from the Bay Area. We're extremely sophisticated.

AK: Yes I've seen your pride floats.

PH: Touché.

 

Nov 17, 2010 8:41 PM

AK: Enjoy this little number:

PH: LOL. Love it. Just watched DWTS from last night - do you watch? It's really unbelievable and frightening.

AK: It's on Hulu but I have yet to watch. It's such a train wreck and not the fun kind. Whatever happened to Segways? They still in business? That was suppose to be the wave of the future.

PH: Well, I don't think this story helped sales much.

AK: Aiee. Good point.

PH: The funny thing is, well -- everything about that story is funny.

AK: I'm turning on DWTS. This better be terrible.

PH: It will turn you off. It's the end of days.

AK: They should really put dancing in quotes.

PH: Or stars.

AK: "Dancing" With the "Stars"

PH: "Dancing With the Stars, and Bristol Palin"

AK: OMG, she is still in this thing? America knows this is not an election for president, right? If she wins, her mother doesn't.

PH: This poor, fat, no talent beanbag with the dead eyes has beat out pop star Brandy based on this Tea Party's misguided sense of loyalty... and they're too stupid to even see the injustice.  Ooh girl, don't get me started... (fanning face)

AK: Will Mark Balas just come out of the closet already?

AK: His band's versions of songs make my ears bleed.

PH: I know - disaster. But dreamy.

AK: Brandy dedicated her dance to people being bullied? She should have dedicated it to people she's hit with her car. I'm about two minutes from doing this.  Jennifer Grey? No one puts granny in the corner.

AK: [tap, tap, tap} Is this thing on?

PH: Talking to mom.  Too bad I was busy when you were throwing out these great one liners.

AK: Who is this Gary Coleman kid on this show?

PH: I think it's Sammy Davis Jr.

AK: Gays in LA are like a flock of lemmings. Every Facebook update is about the Robyn concert tonight.

PH: I have no idea who that is.

AK: She's this blond Brit singer that gays have adopted.

PH: Was she with the J. Geils band?

AK: Why don't you just say, "I graduated from high school in the 80's?"

PH: I think she opened for Huey Lewis and the News. At least she's still workin for a livin'. HAHAHA -- see what I did there? Classic.

AK: That's CLASSIC Paul.

PH: Are you watching Modern Family yet?

AK: I cancelled my cable today. I won't be able to watch it until tomorrow on Hulu.

PH: Seriously?? You are a disaster.

AK: I'm saving money.

PH: A gay without TV is like me without a funny analogy. So we can never talk about TV again? You are dead to me.

AK: I have TV. I'm just not as timely:  But did you see what Davey Jones did on The Monkees last night?

PH: I missed it because I was embroidering a pillow for Bobby Sherman. But will Marcia ever get those braces off?

AK: Wait. Jennifer Grey is JOEL GREY'S DAUGHTER?!?

PH: Umm... seriously?

AK: Isn't Joel Grey gay?

PH: Only the upper half. Gays can have kids too you know -- look at Tom Cruise, John Travolta... Mario Lopez. Are you watching his show? Ugh, I guess not any more...

AK: You mean Extra?

PH: "Saved By The Baby." The show about his girlfriend having a baby with him. 

AK: Oh god no, why would I want to? Is he shirtless the whole time?

PH: Yes

AK: Hello Comcast? My senile mother accidentally canceled my service...

PH:  He comes across as an abusive asshole with adorable dimples.

AK: "How many times have I told you not to have the baby cry while I'm doing my sit ups? Is that so hard?!?"

PH: Pretty much.

AK: Is his wife famous?

PH: She was in "Chorus Line" on Broadway with him.  So no.

AK: Ali Landry? Oh that was his first wife.  

PH: Yeah - you never saw his first show, "Doing Landry?"

AK: "Beating My Landry Against a Rock?" "Dirty Landry." So many laundry jokes.

PH: And yet we couldn't find one. Here's a Mario trailer:

AK: I lost interest after I clicked

PH: It's easier with lube.

AK: Is he ever NOT smiling? "I'm going to kill you!" [dimples]

PH: He never stops talking about being uncircumcised. Talk about dimples.

AK: I hate their furniture - they have terrible Californian taste.

PH: Thank you Bobby Trendy

AK: This is a trailer?! I feel like I'm watching a whole season. OK I'm going to watch stuff that aired yesterday - is this a new Glee? Ok, later.